She had lost her father at age of twelve to a long illness which name could not even be pronounced out loud in the house.
She remembers that her father never stayed much in the sun, always with a hat, long sleeves, pants. She remembers he loved the sea, fishing, the sand, but he could never get in the water with them.
He was skinny and although he always looked like a giant to her, now that she was older than her father when he died, she realized that he wasn't tall at all. He sure had big words and big ideas, long lectures, big projects.
He had bought a VW beetle to travel to the capital twice a week to get a second job. Soon after he would stay away in long stays at the hospital in the capital. Hre mother would stay away too. Life would somehow continue. Her parents were so active in their church and community, that it was almost normal to have friends and relatives to drop by once in awhile. Now it was almost like that.
She only realized how long her father had been away when he finally was sent home and she ran with her sister to the gate to give him a hug. Her arms squeezing that squalid man that she was seeing crying for the first time. Only then she realized that something very serious was going on.
She can't tell exactly if he went back to work, She remembers on weekdays listening to the march on his radio, announcing the news while she was getting ready for school across the street. The jazz show on the radio in the evenings, playing This masquerade, Take Five.
He then went to the hospital and she couldn't visit him there, because children weren't allowed in hospitals. Until one weekend, when miraculously, she and her siblings were taken to his hospital room, except the two younger ones, 2 and 3 years old. He talked to each one and each one could hug him and feel special. He went to the window and waved at the two younger ones held at the side walk by relatives.
She still thought that she could pray for him to get better. She still made plans. Few days later, she was at home in the morning and a call came from the hospital. She ran away to her father room and held on to an image of Our lady. She prayed, but she knew that it was already too late. Moments later a friend of the family came in, with tears in her eyes and told her:"You father, honey, went to heaven".
She was sent to her brother's high school to let him know. He was about to start a math test, turning in the HP calculator that her dad had given him. She came to the classroom door and asked to talk to him, the teacher came and inquired her what was the subject. She told from the door, looking at her brother's eyes, that dad had just died. He said:"How sad". She rode her bike to his school and they walked back home in silence.
She'd never seen her mom so sad.
After the funeral and the shock had subsided a little, her mom told her that in his last month her father had given her advice about all her seven children but her. She remembers her mom repeating her dad:"There is nothing you can do for this girl. She is unstoppable, she will be on her own her whole life". Her mom understood that as a license to neglect her for the rest of her life. So at twelve, she were not allowed the drama, aches and pains of adolescence. Her sisters ostracized her. She was too much of a tomboy to be around them. No one felt any need to teach her anything about life, about feelings, about mourning, about love and loss. She grew inside herself.
Now that she remembered all that, she realized that maybe she deserved her son's suicide. She that learned how to grow without drama, wasn't aware of the drama that her son was living. Her soul's numbness killed her son.
