Part III - suicide notes

Suicide letters
 From Wikipedia
A suicide note or death note is a message left behind by a person who intends to commit suicide. Occasionally, it is faked by someone wanting to start a new life or avoid prison, or for other reasons.
It is estimated that 25–30% of suicides are accompanied by a note. According to Gelder, Mayou and Geddes (2005) one in six leave a suicide note. The content can be a plea for absolution or blaming family and friends for life's failings.^[1] However, incidence rates may depend on ethnicity, method of suicide, and cultural differences, and may reach rates as high as 50% in certain demographics.^[2][3] A suicide message can be a written note, an audio message, or a video.


Her son left without any written notes.

As she asked herself why, she started collecting someone else's suicide notes. Maybe they would give her clues.

She read about famous people who died by suicide.

March 28, 1941

I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.
 

"Don't cry, don't suffer, I'm ABSOLUTELY HAPPY!!! That's all I wanted: eternal peace with my God and. if possible, with my mother. I didn't committed suicide, I departed to be close to God. Rest assured that I don't drink and I don't do drugs, I decided that I've done all I could in this life. I had a beautiful life, I traveled the world, I lived in wonderful cities, I had a worthy and well known family in my hometown, I shined in my career, made lots of money and I helped a lot of people with it. I really didn't know how to handle it and I've been tricked by ill meaning people so many times, but I was always reborn like a phoenix and I always came back on top. As a matter of fact, I've never been too worried about possessions. Well, there is a lot more about my life, this is just a sample for you to see that I'm not a coward, I was a warrior, but I'm tired now. One needs to be brave to live this life on one's own will. To everyone that reads this document: I'm not giving up life, I'm seeking  God. It's not lack of money, because I have enough to support me here or anywhere else in the South. But it happens that I don't want to live anywhere. I don't want to get old and suffer. I saw my mother suffering until her death and I don;t want this for myself. I want peace! I'm tired, my mind is tired! I can't stand thinking anymore, paying bills, solving problems... You are going to say: "Everybody lives!!!" But I decided that I can stop that, be happy, because I know that God will forgive me and will accept me as a generous and kind child that I've always been. To my true friends, to unbiased journalists, to my friends (.....)  my heartfelt thanks. The the TV stations where I worked, thanks. And to my wonderful coworkers, my God light your path! To all honorable sites that follow my career, SUCCESS!!! (My friends....)don't fell forgotten. I can't cite any names, or I would have to write a book, but (...) you are the sister I've never had. (...), be always happy my friend. (...), thanks for everything! To (...) from (...) TV show  I leave you a kiss my friend.  (...) where are you??? I'm sorry for the ones I didn't mention, life was away more wonderful than bad for me. Thank you Jesus, Our Lady, and my God, forgive me and take me as the honest and nice daughter I always strive to be! God bless everyone!
Leila Lopes

PS: If there is higher feeling then Love, I'm not aware of it!"

To Boddah:
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community had proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
For example, when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begin, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.
Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much, I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy,
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I love you, I love you!


Some people would leave more than one suicide note.

This letter I found in his apartment
 
Mom,
There has never been any saving me. As long as life is I will always be miserable. I have no recognizable laugh because they are all acted to fit in with others and their own laughter.  Please be strong through this. I am very sorry to put you through this. For the sake of Manny and Xavior be strong.
Love you!!!!
Wish it came to this sooner.
I’m so fucking sorry Mom, truly!!!
 
This one was found on him, when he took his life while watching a sunset.
He listed my address and phone number on the top of this letter.
 
Mom,
I want you to have my guitars.  They are in my car which I don’t know what happens to it.  I don’t know if you’ll get this.  I’m sitting on a rock watching the water . . . everything is so peaceful.  I’m content with knowing it’s all done. I’m so very sorry if this hurts you. And I know it’s beyond selfish.  I love you and I’m sorry.  I let you down.   My insides just hurt and my life is pointless.
Dan
P.S. Cremate me. I don’t care what you do with the ashes.

This is the letter he left for whoever found him.
 
To whomever it may concern,
The waste of life before you has no need for burial.  I’m a drunk and a loser.  Do not feel pity for this worthless soul. I apologize to whoever has to clean me up.
Self -> Daniel Omar Martinez
Mother -> Marisol Negron Martinez


Douglas Klein wrote:


10/11/11

page 1

i don't even know how i got to this
point. after 37.5 years i've never felt
like i belonged on this earth. there are
not many words to explain.

i have never had an original thought of
my own. 99.9 % of what i do or have done
is because someone else suggested it
or i saw someone else do it. i am
not my own person. i don't know who
i am.

this makes no sense to me,
or
i'm just not smart enough to make
sense of it.

i've never been a happy person. i'm sure i put on a good facade for most.
everything i do seems like a chore. i hate
that feeling.

going back 25 years or so, as long as
i can remember, i've never been able to
sleep well. most nights were spending turning
and tossing.

page 2
mom, i remember you telling me
a while ago that gary was not
a pleasant person. that's how i feel.
and i'm sick of acting like everything is ok.
i've spoken to psychiatrists, psychologists,
taken plenty of meds and i can't do it
anymore.

even escaping to california did nothing for me,
except suck up all my money. i thought a
different locale would some how help. nope.

thoughts of suicide have been in my
head for a long, long time. as you'll see
on the next page, that was a "song" i
wrote over a year ago, i think.

i appreciate everything my loved ones
have done for me trying to help.
i guess a fitting cliche'here is "you
can't those who don't want help".

my friends, family, shannon, who has been much
 more than a friend, i love you,
(please find a loving home for timmy) doug

page 3
i just want to sleep,
i don't wanna wake,
just wanna dream,
of green fields, in my head,
as i look up to the sky
i just wonder why,
nothin's made no sense,
i can't comprehend,
what i'm doin here
i just have a fear
things are gonna end,
before the chance to mend

Torquato Neto left this note:
FICO. Não consigo acompanhar a marcha do progresso de minha mulher ou sou uma grande múmia que só pensa em múmias mesmo vivas e lindas feito a minha mulher na sua louca disparada para o progresso. Tenho saudades como os cariocas do tempo em que eu me sentia e achava que era um guia de cegos. Depois começaram a ver e enquanto me contorcia de dores o cacho de banana caía. De modo q FICO sossegado por aqui mesmo enquanto dure. Ana é uma SANTA de véu e grinalda com um palhaço empacotado ao lado. Não acredito em amor de múmias e é por isso que eu FICO e vou ficando por causa de este amor. Pra mim chega! Vocês aí, peço o favor de não sacudirem demais o Thiago. Ele pode acordar". Thiago era o filho de dois anos de idade.

Translation: "I STAY. I can not keep up with the march of my wife's progress or I am a great mummy who only thinks about mummies alive and beautiful like my wife in her crazy race to progress. I miss how the locals of the time that I was able to feel myself and thought it was a guide for the blind. Then they began to see and as I writhed in pain the bunch of bananas fell. So I STAY so peaceful right here while it lasts. Ana is a SAINT with a veil and wreath with a packed clown alongside her. I don't believe in mummies' love and that's why STAY and I'm getting STILL  because of that love. I'm done! You guys, please do not shake Thiago a lot. He can wake up. " (Thiago was his two-year-old son).